Vertigo Views: A Dizzyingly Hilarious Take on the World That Spins Around You
Vertigo: the body's unsolicited spin into comical, dizzying chaos. Gravity defied, merry-go-round bed, pills a-twirling, head's a-whirling!

So Vertigo huh?

Oh, the joys of the human body’s personal amusement park ride— and I’m not talking about Disneyland! It’s the roller coaster of health hiccups: COVID joined the party first, followed by the snotty VIP guest Post Nasal Drip, and now Vertigo has spun onto the scene, as diagnosed by my very own M.D. DJ.

Thanks to this dizzying trio, my work week was cut short to a cameo appearance— clocked a whopping day and a half before the midweek plot twist had me tap out and make a beeline to the hospital on Wednesday. If there’s a prize for collecting ailments, I must be the grand prize winner. Hold the applause, please—just pass the tissues and the world’s tiniest violin.

What is Vertigo?

What is Vertigo

Vertigo: not the Alfred Hitchcock classic thriller, but rather your body’s very own misguided attempt at joining the circus. Imagine lining up for a ride you never agreed to board, with your inner ear as the ringleader, sending your surroundings on a merry-go-round sans merriment. This is your brain on the ‘spin cycle’—no detergent needed, just a stubborn imbalance that makes you feel like you’re auditioning for a part in “Dancing with the Stars,” with the floor refusing to stay put. It’s like your head’s throwing a dance party that the rest of your body wasn’t invited to. So, lace up your non-existent skates; this is vertigo, an unsolicited pirouette into the comical ballet of life’s quirks.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to bed

Last night’s adventure to the porcelain throne took a wild turn when I returned to the realm of pillows and blankets. The moment I flopped back onto the bed, it was as if gravity decided to take a coffee break. I clung to the side of the bed like a cat to a curtain, desperately trying to avoid being swallowed by the mattress monster.

Fast-forward to later that night, and I’m performing an unintentional barrel roll, flipping to my side with the grace of an elephant on a balance beam. Once again, I had to anchor myself to the bed, or risk entering a merry-go-round that even my childhood self would envy. Dizziness as an adult is like receiving a prank gift; it’s all spins and no grins, with a free ticket to Vertigo-ville without the thrill. No one tells you grown-up dizziness is less “weeeee!” and more “pleeeease stop!”.

Is there a cure for Vertigo?

Spinning around in circles can be fun at the fairground, but when your head starts whipping around like a merry-go-round without your consent, you’ve probably got vertigo. Good news for the spin-weary: most people with vertigo don’t need a golden ticket to the treatment factory; they get better on their own. But when you do need some help, rest assured, there’s a cocktail of meds like prochlorperazine (try saying that three times fast with a spinning room) and antihistamines that can act like your inner balance bouncers.

If your vertigo decides it loves your company too much and won’t leave, your GP might set you up on a blind date with an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist, or a balance physiotherapist — ’cause who wouldn’t want a date that focuses entirely on your inner ear?

For the high-flyers who’ve taken a tumble and hugged the ground a little too hard, chronic vertigo can kick in. It’s like the unwanted party guest that just. won’t. leave. The dynamic duo of meds and physical therapy might just show it the door, though. And in those super unicorn-rare cases, your ENT specialist might even bring up surgery. Yes, apparently there is a toolbox for that whirling dervish in your head. But don’t worry, it’s a last resort kind of thing, and you’re way more likely to walk out with a simple pill than a hospital gown.

Betahistine was prescribed to me, my newfound frenemy! The doc handed it to me like a silver bullet for my spinny, topsy-turvy world of Vertigo. “Thrice daily,” she said with all the casualness of a barista recommending their favourite latte. Add a dash of Gravol to keep the tummy trolls at bay, she advised.

So, there I was last night, popping pills like candy, expecting to twirl through life with the grace of a ballerina. Instead, I morphed into a nauseous mess, hosting an inner body rave complete with cramps and a banging headache. At this rate, I’m starting to think the room spin was kind of a charming quirk.

Conclusion…

Vertigo Conclusion

Well, folks, my journey with Vertigo, that wily trickster of the cranium, continues. Imagine your head is a globe, and Vertigo is an overly enthusiastic toddler spinning it to find its next vacation spot. There’s something uniquely humbling about moving at the speed of a sloth while your head is auditioning for the next Fast and Furious movie chapter.

At this point, I’m just a tourist in my own body, watching the sights of my familiar life whirl by with a queasiness that no tour bus could ever induce. Who needs an amusement park when your own noggin provides a front-row seat to the wobbliest show on Earth? And no, there isn’t a fast pass for this attraction—just a very real, very dizzy queue that seems to stretch on for eternity.

If you’ve got some Vertigo tales, or better yet, some spin-defying hacks (because believe me, I’m all ears… well, maybe not so much the inner ones right now), feel free to drop them in the comments below like breadcrumbs for us dizzied souls.

Remember, a shared giggle is medicine too (or at least that’s what I tell myself when the room does its twirling dance). So, toss your two cents, or vertigo vignettes, down below, and let’s make a mosaic of our merry-go-round miseries. Who knows? Your spin on the topic might just be the sturdy railing we all need!

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